It’s Halloween once more and I am not dressing up.
Don’t get me wrong, I love dressing up actually! I think it stems from me not wanting to be myself. It’s probably why I loved acting in plays and dramas.
I don’t know what it is about this time of year right now. I guess I was kind of like this last year.
I was talking to a friend last night and she described how I was feeling and she figures it’s because we’re living in the south end of the province and we’re both from the northern parts of our respective provinces.
I just feel tired (which is explained by lack of sleep) but also uninterested. I hate how I feel like I’m expected to impress people. But then I’m frustrated when no one notices me or the work that I do in school.
For example, people constantly remember that a classmate of mine worked at the newspaper this past summer, and no one remembers that I did as well. Well, the people that matter remember. So I guess that says something right there.
Maybe it’s the confidence issue. If I project this appearance that I CAN do things then maybe other people will respect me for it. I don’t think people disrespect me, I just don’t think I make myself worth noticing.
If I feel shit about the way I look because I skipped showering in order to be on time for class, I’ll quiet down even more because I’m feeling grungy and I don’t want to be noticed.
My acne’s been acting up again and that’s another reason why I don’t want people to notice me.
I’ve lost weight recently, thanks to speed walks in the morning in order to get to class and not enough time to eat as much as I was as well as skipping the occasional meal, so I’m feeling better about my appearance body wise. (Although I really need to start exercising and eating properly because the way I’m going about it, I probably won’t be able to keep the weight off.)
Half of the time in class, I don’t follow the way other people think. And despite what teachers and other people say, if you have an opinion that’s different, people WILL shoot it down. And I am not a confrontational person, nor do I have enough energy to keep up with it. I think really, it’s the fact that I don’t like to lose. Or I don’t like losing against people I don’t like. And I KNOW I’m not the most intelligent person ever. Definitely not. Hahah. haaaa.
So as a result, I do not talk in class. And I should, in order to participate and prove that I’m engaged in the class. But just because people have a certain title and are from a certain organization, I do not feel the need to prove anything to you. I will not suck up to you, I just try to do my best on the assignment. And if it ends up being a shitty assignment, then it looks like you won’t be seeing me in a good light.
I know I’m a hard worker, and at times I do end up producing decent stuff. I know I’m creative and at times I can be a decent journalist. It’s just so much of this profession is based on appearance and jumping through hoops before entering the work force and when in the work force (unless you’re in TV and even then there are exceptions) the work you produce is what matters.